lexy with the bad hair

The paper is terrible, which is generally a sign that this was perpetrated over my nan’s house. My nan was in the habit of feeding me mint Viscounts and sugary tea, but I’m not sure any quantity of blood glucose would justify this nonsense.

What is with my conviction that people in the Future have weird flicky hair? I’m not counting Cinda the alien in this since I’m not sure that even counts as hair. It may be ribbons. Also I love how I have completely given up on trying to draw hands and given her doilies.

(Seriously, though, Cinda has six fingers for Reasons. Aliens have mastered space travel because they have twelve digits and hence count using the duodecimal system, which is better than ours because imperial > metric. Or something. How I was capable of reasoning this while simultaneously giving her A BUNCH OF THUMBS remains beyond me.)

Today’s thing which is going to destroy the world is overpopulation; but at least we haven’t managed to fill Mars yet, which is something, and perhaps Cinda will share the secrets of inter-universal travel with us so we can colonise some more planets; though she seems more interested in mooching around on her weirdly-named spaceship with her new bestie than in helping out our struggling thumb-deficient civilization. Never mind. She’s evidently Doctor Who’s teenage girl regeneration, so they must have loads of other planets to rescue.

As Lexy is from the Future she lives in a skyscraper with a pet snake (called Mixy, because as everyone knows X is the most futuristic letter) and a stepmother, since real parents would interfere with the having of adventures. I don’t know who these mysterious people are who want to stop girls from different universes having adventures, but they’re not relatives. Maybe they just want to stop the entire space-time continuum from collapsing, or something. Killjoys.

Disappointingly, there doesn’t seem to be any human-on-alien action in this one, but that is of a piece with my general heteronormativity at this age. Don’t worry, there’s a lesbian road trip on the way.

(Why, yes, it is based on Thelma and Louise, since you ask. I had never actually seen that film until a couple of months ago, but when did that ever stop me in my plagiaristic tracks?)

13 October 2024 0

warm rain in february

I am thinking it must be 1992 and Labour have just contrived to lose another general election? and I am therefore extremely jaded and think we are going to be stuck with the Tories for ever and ever and ever? Let us go through our random selection of girls from all social strata and look at what 2010 actually did hold for them:

Polly was evidently going to screw up whatever exams had replaced A-levels over a boy, and watch her father lose his seat. It seems to me more likely that she got her three A’s, went up to Oxford to do PPE, and is currently planning on being President of the Oxford Union in 2012. I also suspect her hair is longer and less mad, and that she wears more eyeliner.

Jade posts shit on deviantart and protests about tuition fees. She voted Lib Dem and is really disappointed in Nick Clegg. She does not sign her name with a frog because, let’s face it, that’s just odd.

Chelsea so does not want to work in a bank. She doesn’t wear massive bows in her hair either.

Kylie may have been destined at birth to be punished for her poor and promiscuous ways by contracting HIV from the random bisexual guy (Yes. Really. If you think that’s bad, wait till I post Daisy Chain) but… come on, no way that girl is straight. Also, ‘new caring moral values’? HAHAHAHA.

Naz doesn’t really wear her hair in that weird flicky Bree Van Der Camp style as the sheer amount of product required would be way outside a student budget. Also, she doesn’t consider herself British because… I don’t know, why ever would she not consider herself British?

For the record, the rain in February 2010 was not warm, climate change having progressed at a slower rate than anticipated. February would be a stupid month to hold an election anyway, primarily on account of the not-warm rain.

1 March 2011 0

avatarded

Small mostly illegible writing! That means I can do another line-by-line commentary [rubs hands in glee]

Earth, 2073. A space craft orbits the planet, containing a family of ‘others’. Pondro, the father, is married to Glinna

Pondro. I’m going to say that again, just for the hell of it. PONDRO.

and has recently started an affair with his evil daughter Rillia

Eeew, random incest and labelling the abused child as ‘evil’. Just because Shakespeare does it doesn’t mean it’s OK. (Not that I had read Pericles yet, so I can’t even use that as an excuse.)

On Earth, Mark and his computer Trianne pick up signals from Glissop, a computer on the ship.

GLISSOP.

Glissop belongs to Raeone, Pondro’s youngest daughter. Raeone and Mark soon fall in love, much to the distress of his girlfriend Kady.

If my boyfriend was cheating on me with an alien he met on the internet, I’d be distressed too.

So do the computers.

The computers are in love as well? Why have they been programmed with this ability? I would be pretty pissed off if I found my newly-rechristened laptop was having a fling with some virus-ridden XP-running skank on the other side of the world.

Then Rillia finds out and threatens to tell Pondro.

Ah, this would be the evilness showing through.

Pondro hates Earth people.

OMG RASCISM!!!

But, unknown to all, he has a daughter on Earth —

OMG HYPOCRASY!!!

Clemantine, the bullied ‘hybrid’ who’s in love with Mark

What’s so great about Mark that he has three girls chasing after him? It’s not like he’s fit. Also, how and why does Pondro have a secret half-human daughter? Were there test tubes involved or did he just do the nasty with some woman he met on the internet? I don’t really want to think too much about the inter-species crossing, so let’s just marvel at Clemantine’s hair and move swiftly along.

Is the romance of Raeone and Mark doomed? Will they ever meet?

Do we actually care? I’m more interested in Trianne and Glissop, not to mention the stylish waistcoats which are apparently de rigeur in alien circles.

So yeah. I invented hot blue aliens. They are not Noble Savage hippy treehugging blue aliens, they are kind of evil and prone to random incest and impregnating other species; but Raeone is prettier than Kady, so there.

11 July 2010 0

celtic pollyanna and the evil twin

This one is laid out like a small child’s newsbook — pic on the top, words below — so I’m going to transcribe the text and give you a running commentary. Woo!

When Alistair returned to his beloved Highlands to take over his father’s croft, he brought a surprise — a new wife. Welsh-born Meredith was confined to a wheelchair, but accepted it cheerfully and soon won the local’s hearts. It was easy to see how Alistair had fallen in love with his ‘Merry’.

Jesus, it’s a Celtic Pollyanna. Nicknamed Merry. Do you see what I did there?

But Meredith was often lonely at their isolated farm. Although the doctors advised against it, she and Alistair started trying for a family.

I do not feel loneliness is a good reason for having a baby against medical advice, assuming of course that said medical advice is more substantial than ‘you can’t breed ’cause you’re disabled.’

As soon as she became pregnant, her twin sister Madolyn turned up — causing havoc.

YAY EVIL TWIN!

With her wavy black hair and strikingly green eyes, Madolyn was almost dangerously beautiful.

Not evident from the wonky-mouthed, scant-chinned portrait of her, but never mind.

She led the local boys a merry dance, letting them fall in love with her then ignoring them.

That’s the worst it gets? I suppose that’s why she’s only ‘almost’ dangerously beautiful.

And all the time Meredith was reminded by her sister’s presence of the freedom she had lost. What made it worse was that it was Madolyn’s carelessness that crippled her in the first place…

But of course.

When Madolyn turned her cat’s eyes to Alistair, Meredith couldn’t cope. She worried about leaving them in the house together when she went into hospital to have her baby.

I have a plan! Your evil twin has already been staying with you for months… why not just kick her out? She put you in a wheelchair. She is lucky you are angelic enough not to mind too much and are still speaking to her.

Then the baby was born with a slight mental handicap —

I have approximately four million problems with this plot development, chief among which is that it is a newborn baby, so how can they tell? It may be natural to assume that any child born into this family is going to be pathologically stupid, but you cannot make this diagnosis before it has even failed to hit any developmental milestones. Also that the doctors were right and any kid born to a woman in a wheelchair is inevitably going to be defective. Ugh.

— and a guilty Madolyn confessed tearfully to seducing Alistair.

Evil Twin FTW.

Meanwhile, Scotland wanted independaence from the United Kingdom — and the spirit of change wafted through the lonely hills.

What has this got to do with anything? Oh, maybe it’s a Theme. Like Meredith is representative of Scotland, or possibly Wales, getting repeatedly fucked over by Evil Twin/England. Or perhaps she wants a divorce from Alistair and Evil Twin the same way Scotland wants one from the UK? I don’t really see how the handicapped baby fits into this schema. Maybe it is the Isle of Man or something.

And the bewildered, tragical Meredith wandered with her baby, and wondered what to do…

I am having a really hard time picturing wandering around in a wheelchair if you have a baby in tow and live on a lonely hill. It seems like it would be a fairly major operation. Has she even bothered to ask Alistair what went on? Evil Twin could easily be lying. Lying is what Evil Twins do, when they are not busy maiming or ignoring people.

16 June 2010 0

war is hell

Hmm, torn between two equally shitty titles, what am I to do? I know, use them both! If Shakespeare can do it, so can I!

The teeny-tiny mask thing and oversized babygro-with-wellies ensemble sported by Peter dates this to the first Gulf War. Sky News was always on about chemical weapons, and as I was only thirteen I believed everything they told me. So war in the 21st century is going to be a nightmare, as opposed to, say, the fourth century, when it was obviously fun. And it is still going to be a male-run affair, in spite of the fact that Leni is some inches taller than Peter and looks considerably harder.

OMG is that a CND symbol she is wearing? That is adorable. My vision of this millennium involves the CND, side ponytails, shoulderpads and handwritten ‘correspondance’.

(Well, I was right about the shoulderpads.)

As Florence and James are Leni’s great-grandparents, presumably he must survive to procreate in spite of the horrors of war / his weird moustache? Way to kill the suspense there. If Leni’s great-grandad had been killed in WWII she would know this already. So maybe it is Leni’s blossoming love with her ‘distant cousin’ that gets snuffed out by trad trg tragedy? I’m not sure I really cared, even then.

1 June 2010 0