fashion crimes – books i never wrote

NO THEY DO NOT and your boyfriend Den should be killed forthwith, along with whoever made that monstrosity Bridget is wearing. It looks like I couldn’t make my mind up where her legs should end and kept adding extra bits. (Maybe I should have done that with Jane.)

As if poor Bridget has not suffered enough having to wear purple and aqua… trouser… things, she then gets punished for being nice to the school pervert by being raped by said outcast, and then BLAMED FOR IT by her so-called best friend who is basically running around at this point going ‘nyah nyah, told you so’. What the hell is Ann doing telling Den about her best friend getting raped anyway, ugh. I hate this girl, with her big poppy eyes and look of faux-concern. She has no chin either.

In spite of Ann’s smugness I don’t see how Bridget could have known what was coming, since all Matt has done prior to becoming a rapist is ‘try’ to grope her, clearly not succeeding even in this limited aim. Oh, I forgot, Ann can ‘see him getting excited.’ (Not being the most streetwise of adolescents, I am not sure I meant what this actually means. Never mind.) So yeah, Matt has a history of failing to grope his female classmates and has had a public hard-on or two which Bridget just finds amusing… this is not saying ‘future rapist’ to me, it is saying ‘teenage boy’.

Ann seems more interested in victim-shaming and gossiping with her no-good boyfriend than oh, I don’t know, telling somebody in authority or supporting her best friend or plotting revenge on the rapist… I don’t know, this is just depressing me now. I was a reasonably switched-on fourteen-year-old (no, really, I was, I read newspapers and got As in everything) and yet I was still coming out with this horseshit. It is a pretty minor example of the mindwarping damage done by living in a rape culture, but it is an example nonetheless.

God, I hate the world sometimes.

Basically, I stole this from Neighbours. This is the Paul Robinson/Christina Alessi storyline with the roles reversed and the twin taken out. Perhaps I felt my oeuvre was getting slightly twin-heavy. It also sounds very Anne of The Island, though to be fair to me I’m not sure whether I’d read that yet. Doesn’t ‘end[ing] up in a romantic attachment’ sound about the least most romantic thing ever? No wonder Anne-Marie and Andrew are putting it off as long as possible.

So the moronic nature of this plot is not entirely my fault, though I am to blame for thinking it worthy of blurbification. Like if Anne-Marie just got tired of her flatmate’s failure to put out and decided to make him jealous, that might have been mildly interesting (only mildly, mind); but no, she has to be unexpectedly swept off her feet by Mr Perfect. I’m thinking if she’s deliriously happy to be marrying Duncan she was never really that into Andrew; he was just her back-up option in case nobody better came along. Andrew sounds pretty passive-aggressive, with his feelings of being ‘strangely cheated’ and his silences when she’s wittering on about her wedding. He needs to move on. You snooze, you lose. But no, he has to try it on with her the night before her wedding. Classy guy. Wouldn’t the time for a drunken snog have been, oh, approximately three days after you moved in together? just to get it out of the way?

OK, hands up who thinks Anne-Marie is going to choose the flash newbie over the ‘good friend’? This fails as a cliffhanger for anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of romcoms and/or soap operas. She should not be marrying anyone in that dress. Eew, the inexplicable green streaks in the skirt and the ugly sleeves, it burns.

Actually, nobody who thinks side ponytails are a valid hairstyle option for their wedding day should be getting married, as their judgment is clearly shot to hell. This is especially true if they happen to have no ears.

‘Classical story’ is invariably shorthand for ‘I ripped off this plot from somebody else who already did it better’. I have never read The Prince and The Pauper, nor seen the film, but clearly I had read a blurb for it in the back of one of my beloved Puffin Classics and this is my unique take on it. Sigh.

I feel that Jane and Gina may have had some unique form of twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome whereby Gina monopolised all the hair. Clearly being homeless and miserable has a terrible effect upon your hair, not to mention your ability to apply mascara; though judging by the state of their mother, this may be inherited. Why is the homeless girl bothering with eye makeup and red nail polish anyway? Also, wouldn’t she have sold the bit of bling around her neck for food or drugs by now?

I do not understand why Gina’s fantastically rich adoptive parents only adopted the one twin. This makes no sense. Was deadbeat mother with the identically tiny wonky mouth insisting on hanging on to Jane? Or was there another set of prospective parents lobbying to bring one up in poverty, and social services thought ‘yeah, this will make an interesting social experiment’?

I love that Jane’s home (a.k.a. cardboard box) is attached with a wriststrap, presumably so that nobody will steal it. Obviously it is much more valuable than the Love Locket. I don’t exactly get how the Love Locket is constructed, when you close it won’t the heart be hanging side on to the chain rather than facing front? Where is the hinge? Had I never seen an actual locket?

Aw, poor Gina. Luxury is always empty, isn’t it? OK, so obviously her adoptive parents are totally evil and her legs are abnormally short and she has no knees (well, I am assuming this based on Jane’s appearance, but maybe Jane sold her knees for drugs) but still, girlfriend, look at your fabulous bouncy voluminous hair!

And wow, their parents. If that was my true identity, I wouldn’t want it. No wonder Gina has substituted them with a string of on-trend blue plastic beads, to match the earrings hanging from the side of her skull. WHY DO THESE PEOPLE HAVE NO EARS.

Tag: fashion crimes

asking for shit

over the moon AND deliriously happy

selling your knees for drugs