July 2010 – books i never wrote

Small mostly illegible writing! That means I can do another line-by-line commentary [rubs hands in glee]

Earth, 2073. A space craft orbits the planet, containing a family of ‘others’. Pondro, the father, is married to Glinna

Pondro. I’m going to say that again, just for the hell of it. PONDRO.

and has recently started an affair with his evil daughter Rillia

Eeew, random incest and labelling the abused child as ‘evil’. Just because Shakespeare does it doesn’t mean it’s OK. (Not that I had read Pericles yet, so I can’t even use that as an excuse.)

On Earth, Mark and his computer Trianne pick up signals from Glissop, a computer on the ship.

GLISSOP.

Glissop belongs to Raeone, Pondro’s youngest daughter. Raeone and Mark soon fall in love, much to the distress of his girlfriend Kady.

If my boyfriend was cheating on me with an alien he met on the internet, I’d be distressed too.

So do the computers.

The computers are in love as well? Why have they been programmed with this ability? I would be pretty pissed off if I found my newly-rechristened laptop was having a fling with some virus-ridden XP-running skank on the other side of the world.

Then Rillia finds out and threatens to tell Pondro.

Ah, this would be the evilness showing through.

Pondro hates Earth people.

OMG RASCISM!!!

But, unknown to all, he has a daughter on Earth —

OMG HYPOCRASY!!!

Clemantine, the bullied ‘hybrid’ who’s in love with Mark

What’s so great about Mark that he has three girls chasing after him? It’s not like he’s fit. Also, how and why does Pondro have a secret half-human daughter? Were there test tubes involved or did he just do the nasty with some woman he met on the internet? I don’t really want to think too much about the inter-species crossing, so let’s just marvel at Clemantine’s hair and move swiftly along.

Is the romance of Raeone and Mark doomed? Will they ever meet?

Do we actually care? I’m more interested in Trianne and Glissop, not to mention the stylish waistcoats which are apparently de rigeur in alien circles.

So yeah. I invented hot blue aliens. They are not Noble Savage hippy treehugging blue aliens, they are kind of evil and prone to random incest and impregnating other species; but Raeone is prettier than Kady, so there.

Well, Darci, you should really have been able to tell from Karl’s deranged monobrow that he wasn’t quite right in the head. I don’t even know whether it’s a monobrow or whether he’s just been carving random shapes in his forehead with the sharp object he is now pointing at his crotch. (Do it, Karl! your severed penis in a box is going to be so much more impressive a love token than that lame red rose!)

This is another of those creepy stories where I appear to believe that ‘leading boys on and breaking their hearts’ inevitably results in getting raped/stalked/murdered. I really don’t know whether my mind was warped by reading YA novels, or women’s magazines, or some unholy combination of the two.

and he’ll kill to get her… When this doesn’t work, he kidnaps her

This segue cracks me up, it’s so casual. I really want to know who Karl killed and why he thought this would persuade Darci to give him another chance. Or possibly it was his attempt at killing that didn’t work, so he thinks kidnapping will be easier. I don’t know why Darci’s hair is longer post-kidnapping, either she has been in captivity for a while or he has given her forcible hair extensions.

I’m not that worried about Darci, to be honest. Her chin looks like a deadly weapon. Evidently my thirteen-year-old self thought plectrum-shaped skulls were beautiful and ankle socks were cool. Note also the shoulder pads. (It was 1990-ish. I feel that shoulder pads should have gone by this stage, but then I did grow up in a cultural backwater where people wore shellsuits well into the 21st century.)

Month: July 2010

avatarded

oh no she didn’t