i don’t even – books i never wrote

The paper is terrible, which is generally a sign that this was perpetrated over my nan’s house. My nan was in the habit of feeding me mint Viscounts and sugary tea, but I’m not sure any quantity of blood glucose would justify this nonsense.

What is with my conviction that people in the Future have weird flicky hair? I’m not counting Cinda the alien in this since I’m not sure that even counts as hair. It may be ribbons. Also I love how I have completely given up on trying to draw hands and given her doilies.

(Seriously, though, Cinda has six fingers for Reasons. Aliens have mastered space travel because they have twelve digits and hence count using the duodecimal system, which is better than ours because imperial > metric. Or something. How I was capable of reasoning this while simultaneously giving her A BUNCH OF THUMBS remains beyond me.)

Today’s thing which is going to destroy the world is overpopulation; but at least we haven’t managed to fill Mars yet, which is something, and perhaps Cinda will share the secrets of inter-universal travel with us so we can colonise some more planets; though she seems more interested in mooching around on her weirdly-named spaceship with her new bestie than in helping out our struggling thumb-deficient civilization. Never mind. She’s evidently Doctor Who’s teenage girl regeneration, so they must have loads of other planets to rescue.

As Lexy is from the Future she lives in a skyscraper with a pet snake (called Mixy, because as everyone knows X is the most futuristic letter) and a stepmother, since real parents would interfere with the having of adventures. I don’t know who these mysterious people are who want to stop girls from different universes having adventures, but they’re not relatives. Maybe they just want to stop the entire space-time continuum from collapsing, or something. Killjoys.

Disappointingly, there doesn’t seem to be any human-on-alien action in this one, but that is of a piece with my general heteronormativity at this age. Don’t worry, there’s a lesbian road trip on the way.

(Why, yes, it is based on Thelma and Louise, since you ask. I had never actually seen that film until a couple of months ago, but when did that ever stop me in my plagiaristic tracks?)

Um, I went to a school that was 95% white so I should probably have a cookie for realising black people exist? No? You mean ‘black girl gets a boyfriend’ doesn’t constitute a plot? Even if I have given her an appropriately ‘black-sounding’ made-up name based upon my studies of the Rikki Lake show?

I think this is possibly the worst title ever invented. I might be able to understand it if the girl actually had an afro, but even then it would be the worst title ever invented. And naturally she has to be ‘sassy’. Head, meet desk. I have a feeling you are going to become close friends.

(I don’t really know why the picture has been done separately and stuck on with sellotape. Clearly I have sniffed all the glue.)

‘Fizzy, frizzy and dizzy’?! [bangs head against desk repeatedly].

OK, words are failing me here. Sparky innocent girl torn between the twin evils of OMG RASCISM! and ‘political correctness’ because she happens to have a boyfriend the same colour as her? No wonder ‘poor Lesondra’ might ask what the big deal is. The only lessons I can draw from this are a) if you are a teenaged white girl at a school that is 95% white, you should keep the hell away from writing about race because you are going to get it horribly, offensively wrong, and b) if you have a teenaged white daughter at a school that is 95% white, do not, under any circumstances, allow her to watch repeats of nineties-era American talk shows.

Hmm, that text isn’t exactly readable, being a) cursive and b) shitty biro with random blots everywhere, but the gist is that a spider gets struck by lightning and…

Somehow the spider and the ghost of lonely Arabella had combined to make a new human being

Somehow? That’s your attempt at a scientific explanation for this crackfic? I don’t know how this even issued from my brain, given that I have never taken drugs in my life. Actually what is blowing my mind even more than the whole concept of spider-ghost-girl is this:

Ariane sends herself to school, where she is bullied.

No shit. She’s going to school for fun? I suppose it must be in order to meet people, or to satisfy a deep hunger for learning, but it still reminds me of that bit in Twilight where Edward turns out to have been in high school for like a century and my immediate response was ‘wow, he must be really thick.’ I am obviously shooting for ‘Arachne’ with the name and not quite getting there.

So then she pals up with the quiet fat girl in glasses, punishes the bullies a bit, but:

Soon Lynda is trapped in a tangled web as she hears the house is to be demolished, and the story of Arabella…

Ooh, get me with my painfully obvious metaphors. This is hurting my brain. Is it me or does Ariane look disturbingly like Cher, with her see-through spiderweb top and mad hair?

You see? People are scared of spiders for a REASON.

Tag: i don’t even

lexy with the bad hair

ack

arachnophobia